so this is how it feels to be lonely

got a friend who does everything ten years before everyone else. Even her name was odd at school, now it's trendy. she's doing Valley of the Dolls style now, it'll be the next big thing.
walk through a suburb, watch the pretty small houses in the slanted autumn light, the sharp shadows of fallen leaves. catch a leaf. make a wish. see all these places, the chalet with the withered ivy and the small terrace garden in the back, the brown and orange seventies block, the deco 20s block in smart contrasting brick, the sensible shoe of a forties solid pad. all these places I could live could have a life in and none of them would be right none of them would work. they only work when I can't have them.
in other worlds there are versions of me who live in all these places, who are happy. who fit in and have a community and have friends and aren't lonely and see a shape to their lives.
I feel as if there is nothing inside me.